Update: Be sure to check back in tomorrow for Weight Loss Wednesday. We’ll discuss how our weeks went, get a new little assignment and I’ll be interviewing my friend Marybeth who recently dropped a lot of pounds. Newcomers always welcome! See you then!
Ten weeks ago our daughter moved out.
She took many clothes, her make-up, a dozen or more of her favorite books, several pair of shoes, her childhood teddy bear…..
and part of my heart.
Scanned picture of Kenzie at age 5.
I’ve been saying for weeks that I was going to post about my mommy heart and how it felt, after 18 years of having her home, seeing our little girl move fifteen hours away. But I wanted to let it sink in a bit before I blogged. And I wanted to make sure the advice I gave you (the same advice I received from a few of my mentors) really worked.
It is this:
When you are raising your kids, hold on tightly to God.
But hold your children loosely.
Yes, cradle them in the palms of your hands and cherish them deep in your heart.
But do not clench your fists. They belong to God, not to you.
Yes, treasure the moments with your kids; love them; teach them; point them to God.
Do not, however, make them your God.
That is a hard thing to do. We mothers love our kids beyond words. We center our lives around them and their well-being. From their earliest days, we feed them, train them, nurture them and help shape them. We spend hours rocking, comforting, correcting. We help with homework; with relationships; with triumphs and disappointments.
Yet, with all our motherly duties, we must be careful to not make our children the most important aspect of our lives.
They are not.
God is.
Then our husband is next (if we have one).
Our kids are third.
I have had many people, concerned how I am fairing, ask me “How are you doing now that Kenzie is gone?”
Surprisingly well, I must say.
Now, if you had known me the first few years I was a mother, you would never believe this. My life revolved around my kids. And, when they are very young, in many ways this must be the case. But I was headed down a dangerous path. My kids were fast becoming my ‘god’, taking the place of my ‘God’.
Thankfully, I had a few wonderful mentors. They shot straight with me. They helped steer me gently in the right direction.
Also, I watched them closely. I saw how they, unlike other women I observed, did not fall apart when their children spread their wings and left the nest.
The reason?
They had their priorities straight.
Above all, they loved God.
Secondly, they made their relationships with husbands a priority OVER their kids.
Now, that is not to say that there are times that attention to the kids might warrant priority for a moment or an hour. But, as a rule, their husbands came before the kiddos.
Oh…and they made sure the kiddos knew this.
Not in a harsh way, mind you. But in a fun and loving way.
Ask my kids… I am famous for saying, “I love you guys like crazy, but I married your dad. He and I will be together loooong after you are grown and gone. So, take a number, kiddo. Your dad comes first.”
Now, of course I didn’t say this to them when they were two. But at 11, 14 and 18, they all know it now. And, I firmly believe it helps to foster security in them. In a day and age when MANY of the marriages all around them are falling apart (and some because the kids came way before the spouse and, as a result, the couple lost touch with each other) our kids can sense a strong commitment if we visually and verbally live this way in front of them.
And also, ever since Kenzie was little, I have realized that I cannot be (nor was I designed to be) her everything. I have specifically prayed for other women who will be godly mentors for her and God began bringing these women into her life, beginning when she was about 8.
Yes, she has a mom, but she also has an Ellen, a Carmen, a Mrs. Annis and Mrs. Noorman; a Sarah Grace, a Miss Renee, a Miss Wendy and Miss Lysa.
Yes, she has LOTS of God’s girls who love and shepherd her.
And so, even though a part of my heart is now far away in Charlotte, NC, I am doing all right.
I have learned to see the truth.
- My kids belong to God, not to me.
- He loves them more than I even do.
- I did not have kids to have them live with me forever.
- I can rest in the fact that Kenzie is in the center of God’s will, so why would I want her home with me?
- I can trust that God will use others to mentor her. (God bless you Proverbs 31 gals!!!)
- I can experience the excitement of seeing her life unfold and not lament that I am losing mine. I just need to adjust to my new ‘normal’.
Now, this does not mean I’m not counting down the days until Christmas break and planning many of her favorite activities to do and foods to serve. Of course I spend time calling her at least once a week and sending her little messages of encouragement and scripture verses; I send her care packages in the mail and “Luv u” text messages at night.
Even though she is third, she can still be my BFF 
So moms, hold on tightly to God while you hold your children loosely.
God is first.
Your husband is second.
Your kids are third.
Sweet Blessings,
Karen, this is great advice and I assure you I’m taking it to heart. My son, a senior, is looking at a college that is five hours away. Last night I woke up in a panic thinking, “This time next year he won’t be living in my house!” Yet, like you, I know that it’s time for some other mentors to pick up where we’ve left off.
As a young mother, I saw several women completely fall apart and sink deep in depression when their kids left home and I determined not to do that when my kids were gone. You are so right about having the priorities straight and keeping God as the center of life. To that I’d add that’s it’s so important to gradually begin building a full life of your own BEFORE the kids leave. That way, when they do go you won’t have this big gaping whole of time on your hands and nothing to fill it. That’s a set-up for depression.
Thanks for sharing, Karen. I know it’s hard for you, but Kenzie is so blessed to have you for a mom and no matter where she goes, or who she is with, I’m sure she is always thankful that you are still her mom! She’s the fruit of your labors and some might great fruit indeed!
Oh, Karen, this is SO beautiful!! With a daughter who is a junior, I needed to hear these words…especially today. She seems to be pulling away more and more, and I want to pull her back. Yet, I hear the Lord say…let her go…she is mine…trust who you have helped Me shape her to be.
We love having Kenzie here, and she is strong and confident, yet tender and kind. You (and the Lord) have done a splendid job with this young woman.
Thanks for sharing your heart and some very powerful truths.
Wendy
Thanks, Karen. I’m working on this right now. My girls are 7 and 10. We have a running ‘joke’ in our house that they aren’t allowed to live farther than a one hour radius from me. I’ve started to realize that this probably isn’t a good thing to ‘joke’ about. The thing is, I moved from Alberta to Ontario to be with my husband and I have dealt with many, many issues related to being so far from my mom and dad. I’ve realized the importance of making our family #1. But lately I’ve also come to realize the things you talked about… they are God’s, not mine. I’m meant to guide them not plan their lives for them. This is a daily prayer for me! That I may give my children fully over to God. Thanks for the reminder.
Sage advice here, Karen. I love how you’ve let your kids know where they stand. Love #3!
I’ve raised two boys and have a 14 year old girl still at home. She’s already SO not-needy that it startles me, but in a good way. I love her to pieces, but God has my heart, with my hubby coming in a close second. Not an easy thing when your “baby” is adorable, huggable, and well, your baby. LOL
This is exactly what I needed to read this morning and will be passing it on to others. Thank you Karen!
Having been through this with one child already and anticiapting the next three, I just wanted to say that it was one of the hardest things I have done. When Ben turned to walk back to his dorm, I saw a little boy again and thought that I was unable to let him go. He needed me right? What I realized is I probably needed him more than he needed me. I had to refocus on who was more important and who would be there for me and that was GOD! Oh I spent alot of time in tears over what I thought was my lose,but I gained so much peace from an understanding savior. It is very exciting to see your kids fulfill their dreams and see who God has made them to be. It is exciting to know that they CAN handle being an adult and making decisions that will affect their lives.(of course with some guidance from God and mom and dad). For me it was a grieving process. I grieved not that Ben was gone but that this first stage was gone.Time really does go by fast so enjoy every minute with your kids. Ask God to help you to focus on today with your kids so that when they do go you will have many special memories to share.
Oh Karen, this is such wise advice. I’ll tuck it in my heart and remember it when my heart strings are holding tightly to my kids. I am so thankful that I get to be one of those women that benefits and is completely blessed by the love and grace and wisdom you have poured into Mackenzie. We love having her with us on Monday’s. She’s such a huge help and fun to have around! And tonight I finally left Aster for the first time with her while I went to a coffee shop to write. It’s so hard to leave my new little girl but it’s so much easier because she’s with yours!! Hugs ~ Renee
Karen,
We have loved having Kenz in our home and are looking forward to her (and Marla’s) Christmas visits. Wonderful advice on making sure that your kids know that Todd is number 2 for you! 
Still, letting go is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. Yet, every time, knowing that my girls are where God has them brings such comfort. And their visits home are so much fun! 
Have a great trip to Minnesota this weekend!
Great post today!
Blessings!
Jeanne
Karen, What beautiful truths to remember. A dear friend told me years ago that no matter how much you think you love your children, God loves them more. They are truly His, simply “on loan” to us to raise, love, pray for, and nuture in God’s truth. The first time I told each of my kids that their dad came first, they were shocked. Now, they simply accept it and say “I know, I know”. What a blessing for Kenzie too to have great mentors in NC. Blessings. Karrie
Karen,
Oh how you have hit on a precious lesson God has been teaching, helping, and working into my very heart of being a wife and mother!!! How I could go on and on with the testimonies of my heart in this area of my walk and intimacy with my LORD. Reading your devotional today on this subject really confirmed to me that I am hearing the whispers and commands of my Father in Heaven. Thanks and God Bless you for sharing. We need to remind ourselves EVERYDAY about the Truth of being a wife and mother, and even mentoring.