Answer Envy & Giveaway with Teske Drake

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And finally…question for you–do you love a party?

If so, don’t forget to join me Saturday night as I host an online Facebook party with Candace Cameron Bure (you remember her–DJ Tanner from Full House?) as we watch her new movie Finding Normal at 9pm on the GMC channel.

Candace herself will be hopping on to chat with us live as we watch the movie in our homes while we also connect as friends on Facebook.

Click here for details.

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Have you joined us after reading my Encouragement for Today devotion entitled Answer Envy? Thanks for clicking over. {Not read the devotion? Click here to do so}

In the devotion I talked about my struggle years ago to have a baby. So today I am asking my friend Teske to join us.

Teske Drake is a mommy to three babies in heaven, mother to two on earth, and wife to her one and only, Justin.

Inspired by her own loss experiences, Teske serves as co-founder and President of Mommies with Hope, a biblically-based support group ministry for women who have experienced the loss of a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss.

Teske is the author of Hope for Today, Promises for Tomorrow: Finding Light Beyond the Shadow of Miscarriage or Infant Loss (Kregel, 2012) and she leads women to live in hope at www.mommieswithhope.com.

I have asked Teske to hop on today to respond to comments about dealing with loss, especially in the area of having children. You will love her gentle spirit and helpful perspective.

Also today, Teske is giving away a copy of her book, Hope for Today, Promises for Tomorrow: Finding Light Beyond the Shadow of Miscarriage or Infant Loss, along with a “Hope Journal” (a great accompaniment to the book, which calls for reflection and journaling throughout), and a $10 Panera Gift Card.

This is a hope-filled gift for you or a friend whose traveled the tough road of loss and infertility.

So let’s chat. Do you ever struggle with “Answer Envy”? In what areas?

Have you or a friend or loved one experienced heartache in the area of having children?

Tell us about it. One commenter will be chosen to receive Teske’s giveaway. Winner announced Monday.

102 Comments

  1. Thank you so much for your devotional on this topic. I never gave it a name before, but I also struggle with answer envy. My husband and I purposely waited 5 years before trying for a baby. I got pregnant right away, and had a normal, no-complication pregnancy. Everything was going very well and we were so happy! I have devoted hours and hours of time to researching pregnancy, childbirth, and childbirth methods, so I was planning on having a relaxing, natural, home-birth. My labor went VERY well, but towards the end of my labor, the baby got stuck and wouldn’t come out. After having 2 injections of Pitocin, and an episiotomy, he came extremely fast and I ended up with a 3rd degree tear as well. It was an extremely painful experience. I could not even get up to go to the bathroom by myself for the first two weeks afterwards. Then it turned out I was allergic to the stitches, and they wouldn’t dissolve. They had to be removed manually. Six weeks after the birth, (which is when most people are able to resume sexual relations with their husbands), I was still sitting on a doughnut pillow because of the constant pain I was in. After 3 months, I went to the doctor to make sure everything was healing ok because I was still in so much pain. They said everything was healthy, it would just take some more time. It was 6 months before I was able to resume sexual relations with my husband, and even then, I was experiencing quite a lot of pain. I kept asking God WHY! Why was I still in pain 6 months later, and I would see other mothers bringing their babies to church and walking around normally after 3 days! And I had prepared, and read everything I could get my hands on, and done everything right! I got so sick of everyone asking when the next one was coming, when I was thinking to myself, “I can’t even have sex yet! If they only knew!” It’s been a little over a year now, and I am finally starting to feel normal again. But I also received a calling on my life. I feel like God is calling me to become a childbirth educator. And if for no other reason, than to be able to relate to other women, and feel compassion for them in any situation, whether they “did everything right” or not, God is going to use my year of pain for something.

  2. I am battling cancer and though I rejoice when others receive good news in their battle or make a full recovery sometimes I envy them. I want to be healed. I pray to be healed as do so many others. So sometimes it is difficult.

  3. This devotional really spoke to my heart today. I’ve struggled with “answer envy” for almost 10 years. My husband is a full time Soldier and we’re on our 3rd deployment and we’ve been struggling with infertility for years. We’ve been through the tests, surgeries, MEDs, and we still have no baby. I had a miscarriage when my husband first left for his 2nd deployment back in 2008. When he returned home in 2009 we decided to try for adoption. We have an agency that we’ve been working with but then another deployment came our way. We’ve now had to place that on hold until he comes home in DEC. Up until fall of 2012 I would get so depressed and upset every time one of my friends or family members would come up pregnant or adopted a baby or an adoption fell through for us. One Sunday at church my preacher was preaching on waiting for GOD’s plan and not living on our own plan and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I went forward and prayed with my preacher’s wife and she taught me a new way of praying about our infertility issues and adoption plans. We now pray for the birth parents of these children and the children themselves instead of only praying for us and a baby to come our way. It has helped me beyond measures. I still get a little upset but have to keep my faith and know that one day we will get our little blessing…It’s all on GOD’s time not ours…

  4. I am writing this to give encouragement. My husband and I got pregnant with our first child (a girl) right away. She was born in 1992. We decided we were ready again and this time it took us a year to get pregnant. We were blessed with a little boy in 1995. He was born early and with several health issues. He had to be in and out of the hospital (including surgeries) for his 5 1/2 months of life with us. He went to be with the lord on my 24th birthday. At this time I was 4 months pregnant with our second daughter. (a surprise blessing) She was born in 1996. I will admit there were a lot of struggles trying to understand all of it. We then decided to try again and got pregnant right away. We were blessed with another little girl in 1998. We waited several years and decided we were done and were going to make it official. We had accepted the fact that my husbands family name would be coming to an end with him. We were then blessed again with another surprise pregnancy. Our twin boys were born in 2007. There were a lot of rocky moments through this pregnancy. The boys had Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome and I needed a lazer procedure to seperate them in the placenta. I was 21 weeks at this point. We went and had this done and everything went smooth (power of prayer). I was then on bed rest for about 11 weeks before they came into the world. They both spent time in the NICU. One was 13lbs 14 oz. and one was 2lbs. 1/2 oz. They are both healthy, happy little boys now age 6. God knows our hearts!! I have been through tough times, but God has always been there through it all. I will see my son one day and I know he is with Jesus. Try and stay strong and know that God has it all planned out and it is in his timing!! I hope this was helpful!!

  5. I am the mother of 5 beautiful children here on earth, but I also have 5 babies in Heaven. The last year and a half have been a struggle with loss…a baby girl at 12 weeks and then another at 19 weeks. I would love to read these books!

  6. I lost twins when i was 20 years old, then went on to have 3 healthy girls…I’m now 49 and usually in August (when they were due) I will think about them and how old they would be now….I know they are in heaven, and I will see them again some day….But, it never goes away completely…..

  7. My first pregnancy was twins. I was elated! I was then devastated to find out one of the twins didn’t make it, but at 36 weeks, we were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. I then suffered through two separate miscarriages, 9 weeks, and 12 weeks, before finding out I have an autoimmune disorder. My blood clots too much, so after many, many shots and medications, we were blessed with another baby girl 3 years and a month after the first. I thought we were done. We decided to add to our family once more, and carried a healthy, baby boy until I was 6 months. I found out he had stopped growing, then about 3 days later, he passed away. January 15, 2013, I had to give birth to my beautlful, tiny, perfect son, and hold him in my arms, then not take him home with me. Now we are stuggling to agree on adoption! My husband first brought up the idea, and it took me a few weeks to agree with it, but then as we are talking about it and praying about it more, he is regressing in his “wants” and I am READY!! I would take a baby today! And i am praying so hard and so much for God to bless us with another precious baby. And I am waiting on HIM. I am waiting on HIM to show my husband HIS desires, and trying to be patient and trust HIS timing. :/

  8. I am so glad I saw your devotional today! I didn’t even realize that what I was struggling with was answer envy. I have had it so bad it has lead to minor depression. I am a creative person who loves to come up with stories and plays for kids. But, I work 60-70 hours a week on spreadsheets and sales strategies for other creative people. I have been praying for a long time 10 yrs) to be able to have a more creactive career and more time with my kids. My kids are answered prayers, especially when I was told I might not have any! How can I see beyond the emotions of being stuck and learn why ?

  9. My moment of envy is currently right now. About a month ago, everything was going ok for me. I was engaged to this wonderful man and we currently expecting our first child together ( I have another child from a prior relationship). Well we got into this really big argument and know he is doubting everything. Not our child persay, but getting engaged so soon, moving here to be here with us, and most of all finding a job. I don’t understand we use to be the “perfect” couple. We had our issues, but we were able to work it out. Now it seems that everyone else’s relationships is going much better. I often ask God, what have I done to deserve this? I feel that it is so unfair…

  10. God has been so good to me! He has seen me through a terrible divorce, a grown son that has moved back in with me twice, and even now as I have remarried a wonderful man. He is a minister and we move alot but God is always faithful! Sometimes I know it is a decision to follow God’s leadership and I am actively trying to show that to my grown children and now my grandchildren. It is a struggle at times but I keep holding on to Proverbs 3:5 & 6! It’s a trust thing! Thank you for your ministry! It helps to keep me encouraged!

  11. I have struggled with answer envy for the past 2 years due to infertility. My husband and I have been trying for over 2 years now to have a baby. I got pregnant once but miscarried. I have PCOS and was told that at this point the only options I have medically are IUI or IVF. IVF is not something that is possible for me and I only have a 10 to 15 % chance with IUI and it is pretty expensive. At the age of 17 I had a miscarriage and that started my fear of not being able to have a child. So I have lived with that fear all these years and since my husband and I have been trying and failed its like my nightmare came true. It seems like everyone around me is having a baby. This is very hard for me to deal with.

  12. I have tears in my eyes from reading this devotional and blog today. My daughter recently went through an unsuccessful INVITRO procedure & during that time a niece found out she got pregnant on her honeymoon! My first thought was “Thanks God, of course they’re pregnant already!” I was and still feel shame that I felt that way toward God. I know He can still do miracles, but why is His answer “No” for my daughter? She is one of the most Godly women I know! I’m sorry I’m also envious of the many nice Christian families at our church who becoming Grandparents and keep asking “When are you going to be a Grandma…it’s wonderful…you’ll love it!” Thank you for reminding me that we’re not alone. This happens to others who Love the Lord. I know He doesn’t owe me a reason, my human selfish-self just would love to know why? I may have to wait until Heaven to find out.

  13. I have a friend who just experienced a stillbirth of a nearly full term baby. I think this would be a wonderful gift to help her keep her relationship with God strong through the inevitable sadness.

  14. I struggle with answer envy sometimes. I am a 26 year old unemployed single mother with some serious health issues. I have prayed for a job and for the doctors to agree to give me a hysterectomy for years, I am living in a lot of pain and at times I am unable to provide and care for my child, it makes me extremely sad. When I see girls I went to school with who have degrees and jobs and can provide and care for their children I sometimes wonder what I could have done that is so bad that they are getting ahead and I am stuck struggling through pain, shame and unemployment, but at the end of it all I know that God has a special plan for my life, but some days I am tempted and question his timing and plan for my life.

  15. I’ve been through the journey of miscarriage. I’ve also celebrated (with hesitancy) a pregnancy/birth after. It’s a journey that many are familiar with, but it’s very personal, as well. And only The Very Personal God is the reason why I can have peace and share love, hope and grace with others I encounter that also share the same journey. My heart goes out to all the other moms.

  16. Hey Susan! You are not alone here. I am also 61 years old and love to read the encouraging devotions written by the P31 gals.

    Envy #1
    “Answer Envy” has been my constant companion for most of my adult life. I can relate to waiting for the “Handsome Prince/Mr Right” syndrome. I thought I would be the old maid school teacher for a number of years before my prayers for a husband were answered.

    Envy #2
    Then we walked the path of infertility for five years. My husband and I dealt with the humiliation of testing, the numerous examinations by at least five doctors, surgery, and finally, being told coldly that my husband’s sperm was “grossly abnormal”. That particular doctor was on a power trip.. Because his reputation was on the line, he was offended that we weren’t willing to accept donor sperm. I cried and he offered no sympathy.

    Envy #3
    We then took classes to qualify for foster parenting and adoption. This was another painful experience. The social workers shamed those participants who were not willing
    to accept older, abused or handicapped children. We also had to hear the stories of couples who had been blessed with their own children but wanted to adopt.

    God then gifted us with a 16 month old son and, seven years later, a newborn baby girl. Finally we could see answers to our prayers. Both of these adoption experiences happened through impossible circumstances that were clearly God-directed. Our son and daughter both showed gifted intelligence, were talented “neat kids” and were open to God’s directions for their lives. Then, as teens, they took the paths of today’s “new normal”.

    Envy #4
    It is very difficult for me not to envy the parents of Godly children who are leading independent and successful adult lives.
    I am sorry to say that God seems to be silent now. I am trying desperately to cling to His promise to do the impossible. My husband and I are very discouraged and I am frightened that I am on shaky spiritual ground.
    Our son is a functioning alcoholic and has two children by different mothers. Both mothers come from very dysfunctional, promiscuous homes. The mother of the younger child has low cognitive abilities but is a good mother to our one year old grandson, very loving toward us, and has been attending our church. We were surprised to meet our grandson and his mother only five months ago. Because we are endeavoring to show her Christian kindness, she has become very dependent on us to the point of being smothering. This is very emotionally draining for me as she is a non-stop talker and not always sensible. She and our son live in low income housing and do not own a car. Their life is a huge drama. Because our granddaughter’s mother has requested a safe place for our son’s visitation, our three year old granddaughter has stayed with us every weekend since she was three weeks old. It was my joyful privilege to be in the delivery room when she was born. She is the light of our life but my husband and I miss the weekend time together. We are also concerned about the men that come and go in her mother’s life.

    Our beautiful twenty-one year old daughter was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in her mid-teens. She has told us that she is gay and lives with a woman who is 30 years old. Needless to say, we have been working through the grief process for several years. Our daughter is loving toward us and we are trying to unconditionally accept her as she is but it continues to be a struggle.

    Never in a million years would my husband and I have thought that we would be dealing with the issues I have mentioned. We are both God-seeking, educated, responsible, independent adults who came from stable homes with loving parents. We very rarely worried them or expected their help after college. It is a battle for us to daily deal with, as Beth Moore has described, “the pit not of our own making”.

    I often think of the old hymn “God Leads Us Along”:
    >Some through the waters, some through the flood,
    Some through the fire, but all through the blood;
    Some through great sorrow, but God gives a song,
    In the night season and all the day long. >

    I hate the Answer Envy that has become a way of life for me and I am still listening for the “song”. Please pray for me. Today’s devotional has brought my sin of bitterness to the forefront and is a work of conviction for me.

    Please know that I have compassion for the mothers of the little angels in heaven and those of you who are hoping to find a Godly Husband in this end-time world. Thank you, Teske, for your ministry to today’s young women. Thank you, Karen, for today’s devotional. You both have been a blessing to me.

    1. Sweet Carolyn, thank you for sharing your struggles with us here. You have my prayers….may the God of peace overwhelm you with His love and comfort. Consider the words of the apostle Paul in his letter to the Philippians…a message of rejoicing in Jesus in the midst of great trials and contentment in all things, because of Christ! Blessings to you.

  17. Teske–

    I do subscribe to your blog, and it has been a comfort to me. I have one son here and 2 babies in Heaven. I am so old for trying again–my family doctor actually told me I was better off because I miscarried the one last year (I have a different doctor these days). My 4 year old prays for a baby sister. I am willing to take whatever the Lord wants to give, even willing to adopt, but we don’t have the money to pay for the home study, even. We have a decent home with a big, fenced, kid-friendly back
    yard in a neighborhood with excellent public and Christian schools nearby. We attend a missions church for the Deaf, and have a pastor and godparents who love kids. We have family health insurance, and steady employment. We don’t have stellar credit, and we are far from rich, but we have books, music and toys.

    Every month is like a roller coaster. I get my hopes up, and they crash again. Without a huge pile of cash, we cannot adopt or try fertility treatments. It really does give me that answer envy Karen talks about. I am learning to let go, and trust God, but there is stilll pain deep in my heart, and I long to see what a spark it would be for my son’s faith to see God provide his answer in a miraculous way.

    I just keep praying, and doing these lovely online Bible studies through Proverbs 31 ministries. I wish I knew what else I am supposed to be learning here. I am working on contentment in the now.

    Thank you, ladies, for your blessings…you both do a LOT.

    Carissa in eastern Iowa

  18. This devotional was exactly what I needed to hear today. I struggle with Answer Envy when I see pregnant women and when all of my friends are on baby 2 or 3. My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for 7 years. We found out we were pregnant 3 years ago and had a miscarriage after 9 weeks. It broke our hearts. A little over a year ago we started seeing an infertility specialist. We went through 4 IUI’s with no success. We made the decision in January to start IVF. Through a series of events everything got pushed back to mid-May. I was supposed to have surgery this week and found out on Monday that my numbers weren’t good enough to go through with the surgery. It was heartbreaking. So I went in this morning for another IUI and my husband and I are praying for a miracle. We’re on every prayer chain we know of and have so many loved ones praying for us. We trust God has a plan for our lives and that we’re going to get to be parents one day. We’re praying that today was the day! We’ll find out in 2 weeks! Thank you so much for sharing. It’s funny how God always knows exactly what we need to hear.

  19. I personally have not experienced the heartbreak of losing a child, whether before or after birth, or not being able to conceive at all. But I have a friend who’s daughter just lost her son just days before his one year birthday. I have experienced the pain of answer-envy in other areas of my life, but sometimes it’s hard to see the connection when you’re suffering your own pain. So even though I have tried to minister to these two precious women as God has allowed, I cannot completely relate to what they are going through. Thank you for sharing your own experience. It will help me in ministering to them.

  20. I’ve lost 2 babies and it was hard, but I have hope. I have a friend who lost 3 and doesn’t know Jesus. It is so heartbreaking to see how she suffers. This book sounds perfect to give her as a gift! Thanks for sharing.

  21. The package is a wonderful give away. I would learn to win. I have stuggled with the answer envy. I had been working for a company for 12 years and there was a big regional changes in positions. I thought I had gotten the position I thought I deserved but some else got the position and they were there with less time and experience. Now I realize that God always knows whats best for us. He sees our future. Also struggled with the “why me” Lord in getting sick and losuing my mom & sister when other people don’t even care about theirs, but I know it’s for his glory and he will keep and sustain me. Blessings

  22. Thank you for your devotional about Answer Envy. I have a friend that has struggled with infertility for the last 5 years or so. She is currently still in the process of getting fertility treatments. Several treatment options have not worked for a pregnancy and she undergoing more tests along with pursuing more treatment to get pregnant. These resources would be helpful to her!

  23. Thank you for your devotional this morning; It’s what I needed to hear. We have been trying to conceive for almost a year, after our miscarriage last summer. It’s so hard- so painful. I know that God is faithful and believe that He will bless us with a family, but the waiting is difficult.

    1. You are right…the waiting is difficult! One of my favorite verses during seasons of waiting is Psalm 130:5, which says, “Wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His Word I place my hope.” May this season of waiting be hope-filled!

  24. Thank you for your post, it’s something I really needed to hear right now. My husband and I have been married for over 6.5 years and trying to conceive for over 5. We’ve had 3 miscarriages in the past 1.5 years. This week we just found out our final IVF cycle didn’t work. We are finished trying to conceive and are really struggling with what moving forward looks like for us.

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