Good Grief: Tips on encouraging someone walking through grief

*Welcome to those of you who have joined us after reading my Proverbs 31 devotion What to Say or Do (When You Don’t Know What to Say or Do!) I hope you will stay connected with me by subscribing to my blog or following me on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook!

**************************************************

“Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep.” Romans 12:15 (CSB)

Today we are having a conversation about grief and I am also giving away a gift bundle of my book and Bible study, Listen, Love, Repeat: Other-Centered Living in a Self-Centered World to one person who comments on this post.

Grief does not go away quickly. Often people carry the heaviness of grief for years, even decades. We can purpose to show them love and help to lighten their load. And not just one time. But many, many times, in ways both mundane and magical.

We recently experienced this in our own family. My son has a friend who hangs out at our house—and eats lots of our food! He lived mainly with his dad, but his paternal grandmother was also very involved in raising him. When he was in middle school, she was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer that soon took her life. Whenever he talks about his grandmother, there is still a twinge of sorrow in his voice.

One day as we were discussing his grandmother, this teenager started to talk about her cooking. I asked him what his favorite thing was that she used to make. “That’s easy,” he answered. “Double-meat lasagna and pineapple upside-down cake.” I listened to him describe how delicious these two dishes had been. And then I walked into the other room, and I wrote his answer down in the Notes app on my cell phone.

A few days before he was to move away to attend college, we had this young man and his father over for dinner. I bet you can guess what was on the menu that night. Yup. Double-meat lasagna and pineapple upside-down cake.

When I called everyone to the table and he saw what I had prepared, he choked up. He gave me a big hug and quickly sat down and devoured his dinner. Yes, he had eaten at our table many times before. But this night was magical. After we had eaten, I assured this young man that his grandmother would be so proud of who he had become. And since she wasn’t around anymore to cook his favorite meal for him as a sendoff to college, I decided I would step in and have the honor of doing so.

Use your ordinary life for God's extra-ordinary purpose. Karen Ehman in her newest book Listen, Love, Repeat: Other-Centered Living in a Self-Centered World

Now let me assure you that I didn’t carry out this quest without a little struggle. It came on a week where I was slammed. I was tempted to just order pizza and have ice cream for dessert, but I knew how much a home-cooked meal like his grandmother used to make would mean to this boy. And the pause and the preparation were good for my soul. They reminded me that relationships require work, that remembering isn’t always easy—and that sometimes sweat is involved in listening and loving.

As we go through life this week, may we be ever aware of those around us who are grieving—for a friend, loved one, marriage, job, or relationship. May we seek to weep with them, reaching down to help carry their load. When we do, we fulfill the law of Christ.

Whose load will you help carry?

I wanted to give you a few tips on what to do to encourage someone walking through grief and also tell you about a great book that is a helpful resource for those who themselves are dealing with a loss.

First, the resource.

I discovered a timely book just after my father passed away last year. A Heart Set Free: A Journey to Hope through the Psalms of Lament by Christina Fox is part Bible study, part practical guide for dealing with our emotions as we walk through grief. I highly recommend it!

Second, five tips to keep in mind as you interact with someone who is sick at heart:

G—Give them space. Don’t expect them to bounce right back after a few weeks and act like their old selves. The grief process takes lots of time and people will continue to miss a loved one until the day they die. Be consistent in reaching out to them, including them, and showing them love. But do not be offended if they don’t consistently act like their old selves. They need a little space and a lot of time.

R—Remember their loved one out loud. Don’t be afraid to speak of the one who has passed away or their loved one who is suffering from a disease. It usually makes it worse when no one will mention the name of the deceased. When you feel it is appropriate, talk about their loved one, mentioning a happy memory or funny story or one of their character qualities. Keep their memory alive in your conversations. A friend who lost his son in the Iraq war once told me, “Don’t be afraid to speak his name. Speaking his name doesn’t remind me that my son died. I know he died. Speaking his name reminds me that you remember that he lived.”

I—Invite them along. Even though the grieving need space, they still need to know that you want to include them in your activities. Make it a point to invite them out to lunch or to take in a movie or show. Ask them to take in a sporting event or a concert. Don’t be offended if they aren’t up to going. Just keep inviting them so they know you care.

E—Etch important dates on your calendar. Holidays and other special dates are especially hard the first few years—Christmas, birthdays, Mother’s or Father’s Day. Make plans to reach out to the grieving on these difficult occasions. Did your friend lose their son in his senior year of high school? Make sure to send a thoughtful card during graduation time in the spring letting them know you are praying for them. Did your friend lose her husband to a heart attack? Find out what their anniversary was and offer to take your friend out for coffee or lunch. One of my favorite ideas was when my young boys took flowers to a sweet older widow on what would have been her wedding anniversary. We told her that since Grandpa Don was busy in heaven, he had us deliver the love that day.

F—Frame a favorite picture. Print a photo of the person and their loved one who is now gone. It is a simple gift but one that will be appreciated. When my sister-in-law passed away, my friend Mandy purchased a small Christmas ornament that framed a picture of my sister-in-law. Each Christmas when we hang it on the tree, I fondly remember not only my relative but my thoughtful friend.

Listen Love Repeat giveaway at karenehman.com

Giveaway now closed

Congrats bsanderson689, you won! Please check your email for details.

Ok…time for the conversation and the giveaway! One of you who comments will win a copy of my Listen, Love, Repeat: Other-Centered Living in a Self-Centered World book along with the Bible study teaching DVD and Bible study workbook. U.S. and Canada addresses only please. Winner will be announced Monday, March 16 and notified by email. If we do not receive a response within three days, another winner will be drawn.

To be entered, simply answer this question:

What was the most thoughtful or practical gesture someone took when you were grieving or which of the ideas in this post would you like to try so you can encourage someone in your life who is going through some sort of loss?

Similar Posts

86 Comments

  1. I find that I need to reach out to someone the minute they come to mind, otherwise I forget and miss an opportunity to bless someone.

  2. My long time friend is burying her father today. I will be there for her. I love the idea of reaching out to her on Father’s Day. I will be putting that in my calendar now.
    Please pray for my friend and her family today as they lay their father, husband, grandfather to rest.

  3. When my little son was stillborn, many friends reached out with flowers, cards and phone calls. But after a few weeks these petered out then stopped. Except for Judy. Judy called me once a week, faithfully. We never stayed on long, 5 minutes tops, but when others stopped remembering, she did not. For over a year, until she herself went to be with my little son and the Lord, she never forgot to call. After awhile we didn’t always talk about my son; nonetheless, I knew she was calling to say she remembered and she was standing with me. Judy was a pillar for me, a glimpse of the heavenly Heart who never once forgot me.

  4. My 34 year old son suffered a hemorrhagic stroke last year. He is alive but living in a minimally conscious state. I grieve for who my son was, believing that in some degree God will bring my “baby” back to me. During the last 11 months, a very special friend has sent me a Bible verse everyday. Yes, everyday. Those words have carried me through many dark times when I wasn’t able to open my Bible. It’s coming up on a year in a few days. She told me, it’s blessed her in such a way she couldn’t stop if she wanted to. ??

  5. I am blessed to live in a small community of friends who support each other with meals, hugs, memories, and faith. one of the most memorable gifts was a cross for our church’s cross wall in memory of our lost loved one.

  6. When my Mon passes away and I had 4 children at home , I could hardly function because my Mom was a great part of everyday life.
    I had friends that came over to help my, prepare meals and take my kids at times. Some would just come and sit with me. It was a great blessing.

  7. Sometimes people want to get through their days without discussing what happened. Everyone is different. Personally, when I had a miscarriage, I didn’t want people to know or to talk about it. I did not want it brought up in conversation at the grocery store. I appreciated the people who did know, but we talked about other things or did things together. It kept my mind off of what was going on, at least for a while, and that was a gift and a relief to me. Include people having a hard time in activities and just showing you care is great.

  8. I have a friend who’s wife passed away a year ago on Monday. We live several hours away from one another but I said I’d be there with him on Monday if I could . Just offering this was enough because he knows I can’t physically be there but am so willing in spirit. My heart breaks for him in his loss. Thank you for this post. It was so timely.

  9. My very dear friend is right now walking through this pain … Her husband William (59years old) is in his final days dying from brain cancer… they moved to North Carolina to pastor and upon hearing about his condition, moved back to Canada to be near their families. It is breaking my heart seeing her go through this pain…. I love all of the ideas, but especially like the idea of spending the day of her anniversary with her…..making sure she feels loved. I sat (6 years ago) with William’s mom, a very Godly woman , as she took her last breath… but in the hours leading up to her death, I promised her that I would carry the torch of praying for her family (of seven ) after God calls her home. And I pray that God will help me carry out that promise. Thank you so much for those beautiful ideas of how to care for those who are grieving. Judy Belbin

  10. There were so many people that God put in my life to speak love when my Dad died last September. The first was a perfect stranger. He had come to pick up some oxygen equipment from my Dads home; he grabbed a hold of me and hugged me tight and said “Honey, your only job right now is to BREATHE! Nothing else, just remember to breathe”. I have shared that with so many friends who have lost a loved one. The second was a dear friend who had lost her husband the year prior. She poured love into me like no other. She shared wisdom that I had never experienced. Her love and help with honoring my Dad by talking about him and letting me cry and reminding me that there is no timetable and no self imposed limit to my grief that will work. Now we have helped others through Celebrate Recovery.

  11. My father was a pastor and when he passed and even today, the greatest thing anyone can do for me as consolation is to tell me stories and memories of how my Dad impacted their lives or led them to the Lord. I know what an awesome legacy he left me, spiritually; but hearing the stories of how the lives other’s were changed for eternity is the greatest gift anyone could give to me. Those flowers never fade and it’s a dish that never goes cold.

  12. Praying for those who are in grief, and asking God the best way to be available for them, He always sets that in motion for me to spend time with them, sometimes not to even speak but just to be there with them is enough.

  13. When my father passed away, what meant the most was just the people that showed up during my grief and gave me hugs or words of encouragement.

  14. March 10th 4 years ago my dear friend’s mom was on hospice. While we were at church (my friend was at home) she texted me to let me know that her mom had passed. Knowing that her heart was shattered we picked up her favorite take out meal and an Easter lily and took them to her. She cried and held us close and wept because we just “showed up”. Every year she reminds me of how much that meant to her. Sometimes the power of presence can mean so much.

  15. Thank you for this meaningful blog. It is so helpful. And thank you for the list of resources and suggestions. Always you are such an encourager.

  16. Our infant son died the day before Thanksgiving 22 years ago. A family in our church showed up right before our family was about to cook a very simple, non-traditional Thanksgiving meal. They brought turkey and dressing and lots of other wonderful food from their own table. They didn’t call, they just showed up and filed in with dishes and hugs and then left us to eat with our family. It was such a sad time, but the simple gesture of that meal on Thanksgiving somehow gave me hope and thankfulness.
    I very much agree with talking about a loved one that has gone on to Glory. I like for others to remember our son and bring up his name in conversations. I want to know that people remember him and that his life mattered. Thank you for these reminders to share kindness and the love of Christ in simple ways.

  17. I have a friend who just lost her husband to a heart attack, and another friend who lost her husband the same way 2 years ago. I asked her advice on what to say and what to do. She agrees with #1 – give her some space. I have a book about grief that I had given to my friend 2 years ago. She said it’s the best one she received – and she still reads through it. It is QUIET TIMES for THOSE WHO GRIEVE by H. Norman Wright.

  18. I love the card with a coffee gift card inside. Handwritten notes are so special and coffee warms us. What an easy way to let someone know you are thinking and praying for them.

  19. There are so many different kinds of grief; right now, my niece and her family are struggling through a time of healing from an abusive past and it is gearing them apart. Maybe this resource would help me as I struggle to live and support each of them through their anger, hurt, and sense of abandonment.

  20. I would like to make a more conscious effort to recognize those “firsts” that follow a loss! Making sure to reach out to loved ones on first missed birthdays, anniversaries, holidays,etc!

  21. Wow ….my dear friends just lost their 14 year old son and it has devestated our little community…perfect timing for sharing in their grief so helpful i will definitely be passing this on
    Thank you

  22. Your post is so timely for me at this time. A dear friend was recently diagnosed with stage IV cancer and placed on hospice. Your article reminded me to reach out even though I feel so awkward in this situation and your examples of thoughtful ways to reach out are very helpful! I would love to win a copy of your book to read more on this subject. Thank you!!

  23. This was a very helpful post and so timely. I have two friends, husband and wife in my lifegroup at church, who are snowbirds. Their home is in Paducah, KY. They did not get to come to Florida this winter as Phyllis, the wife, has cancer and was receiving treatment and was unable to travel. She was just told a couple of days ago there was nothing else they could for her. Just two days ago, her husband, experienced a massive heart attack and died yesterday afternoon. He was in good health, so this was totally unexpected. I have been keeping in touch with them via email, with words of encouragement. Phyllis is very weak and very sick, and now has to plan a funeral for her husband. I will use the idea you suggested of mentioning his name and some things I loved about him. It is a very hard and sad time for this family as well as for my church family here in Florida that also love them very much.

  24. I am going to try the etch important dates and frame a photo. Those are both great ideas that I can use for friends now who are grieving. Thanks!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *