Avoiding Holiday Family Feuds

Got extended family? Then you are sure to have conflict. And no time of the year brings more conflicts of the relative kind than the holidays.

Several years ago, a friend and I crafted a workshop called The By-Laws of In-laws and Outlaws. It dealt with the topic of extended family and the ways we effectively (and sometimes not-so-effectively) handled conflict. I thought this holiday season might be a good time to post just a little of the message’s content.  For now, let’s start by understanding the three types of conflict that occur between people.

First, we have inadvertent conflict.

This occurs when someone gets their feelings hurt or gets angry, but it was inadvertent or by accident on their part or yours. It usually involves some sort of misunderstanding over facts or an event.

For example, you plan the family get-together by gathering the best date from those who have a preference. When the date is announced, it lands smack dab on the same day as your two nephews’ soccer tournament. So, your sister-in-law says her family can’t come and her feelings are hurt. You don’t understand. You sent out the email. She never responded, so you thought they had no preference. It is then she discovers the original email in her spam folder.

Now you are faced with a potential blow up in the family. What do you do?

Take out the emotion.

Stick to the facts.

Try not to be defensive and instead attempt to remedy the situation.

DO NOT dig your heels in and say  “Stinks to be them!” Be gracious and imagine if the tables were turned, what you’d want done in the situation.

Next we have  overt conflict. 

This is when an extended family member hurts you on purpose and wants you – and maybe everyone else in the family — to know they did it. They make a backhanded comment about your weight in front of a large group. Or they question and slam your cooking or mothering skills. Or worse. What do you do?

Sometimes nothing.

At times silence is the best method, especially in a group setting. By barking back, you only lower yourself to the childish level they are on and pretty soon you’ve got a playground scrap going.

God’s people don’t belong in a playground scrap.

On the flip side, don’t buy into the lie I did for so many years–that nice Christians should just act as a doormat, letting another wipe his or her feet on them while they say nothing.

What happened to the Bible’s admonition to speak the truth in love? (Ephesians 4:15) What happened is we tend to do just half of that command. Either we bark out the truth in an unloving, inappropriate manner or we just assume the “loving” thing to do is to not speak at all.

What I am saying to you is that, from my experience, when it comes to overt conflict, sometimes you do need to go to war but do it politely and firmly.

Finally, we have what is called covert conflict. 

This is conflict that is disguised.

Covert conflict occurs when it appears on the surface as though this family member is getting along, being polite, or really sorry, but there’s an underlining message that isn’t quite so positive. It’s really passive, aggressive behavior.

Think of that vintage TV show Everybody Loves Raymond.

Marie, the mom-in-law, often appears to be “helping” Deborah, her daughter-in-law, but in reality, she is plotting harm instead. Like the time she gave Debra her famous spaghetti sauce recipe to help her poor cooking skills, along with the needed spices to make it. However, she swapped out the basil for tarragon in the bottle to insure it would be a flop.

Covert conflict is the hardest to handle because there’s always a mixed message. They say one thing, but really mean another. Or they act one way when you are in the room and another when you’re not. If you address the conflict to the person who’s being covert, they will most likely deny everything, claiming that they said the right thing or did the right thing, and YOU must be misinterpreting their words or actions.

The best way to deal with covert conflict in the family is to realize that what they say and do may not be real or genuine. Then, choose not to put yourself in situations where they will say one thing and act another way towards you.

So when someone in the family baits you and it appears to be a succulent morsel of good will, don’t take the bait without a lot of prayer. Because when we take the covert bait, who gets hurt with hook in her mouth, gets pan fried or fricasseed and finally served up on a platter for all to see?

We do.

Remember, they say one thing and mean another. Offer a polite “no thank you, but thank you so much for offering” answer. Don’t be fooled. Be wise.

Now, here are a few verses to ponder as we enter the holiday season. Okay…not just to ponder, to CLING TO!!!!

Romans 12:18: “If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (CSB)

So, instead of pondering what that uncouth uncle or persnickety relative did that was mean or hurtful, instead ask yourself, “How did I do at responding in kindness; at controlling my tongue; at giving a gentle answer when I wanted to throttle someone?”

Which brings us to another verse that is fabulous to internalize or even memorize.

Proverbs 15:1: “A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.” (CSB)

When the leak of conflict turns to a trickle, someone needs to stop up the dam before an all-out free-for-all fight ensues. So, give a gentle answer and walk away. Go scrape dishes, go play a game with the kids, anything to get out of the snow-balling conflict now gathering ….before you start bawling instead!

Finally,

Romans 14:19  “So let us then definitely aim for and eagerly pursue what makes for harmony and for mutual upbuilding (edification and development) of one another.” (The Amplified Bible Version)

Definitely aim for.

Eagerly pursue.

But remember, you can only control your behavior, never the behavior of others.

Here’s hoping your holidays are feud-free this year!