Answer Envy & Giveaway with Teske Drake
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And finally…question for you–do you love a party?
If so, don’t forget to join me Saturday night as I host an online Facebook party with Candace Cameron Bure (you remember her–DJ Tanner from Full House?) as we watch her new movie Finding Normal at 9pm on the GMC channel.
Candace herself will be hopping on to chat with us live as we watch the movie in our homes while we also connect as friends on Facebook.
Click here for details.
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Have you joined us after reading my Encouragement for Today devotion entitled Answer Envy? Thanks for clicking over. {Not read the devotion? Click here to do so}
In the devotion I talked about my struggle years ago to have a baby. So today I am asking my friend Teske to join us.
Teske Drake is a mommy to three babies in heaven, mother to two on earth, and wife to her one and only, Justin.
Inspired by her own loss experiences, Teske serves as co-founder and President of Mommies with Hope, a biblically-based support group ministry for women who have experienced the loss of a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss.
Teske is the author of Hope for Today, Promises for Tomorrow: Finding Light Beyond the Shadow of Miscarriage or Infant Loss (Kregel, 2012) and she leads women to live in hope at www.mommieswithhope.com.
I have asked Teske to hop on today to respond to comments about dealing with loss, especially in the area of having children. You will love her gentle spirit and helpful perspective.
Also today, Teske is giving away a copy of her book, Hope for Today, Promises for Tomorrow: Finding Light Beyond the Shadow of Miscarriage or Infant Loss, along with a “Hope Journal” (a great accompaniment to the book, which calls for reflection and journaling throughout), and a $10 Panera Gift Card.
This is a hope-filled gift for you or a friend whose traveled the tough road of loss and infertility.
So let’s chat. Do you ever struggle with “Answer Envy”? In what areas?
Have you or a friend or loved one experienced heartache in the area of having children?
Tell us about it. One commenter will be chosen to receive Teske’s giveaway. Winner announced Monday.
Good Morning!! I had to write because my daughter lost her tiny little son Jacob at 23 weeks 6 days last year after spending 21 days in the hospital trying to save his little life. He was stillborn on 2-10-12. If he had been born one day later they would have been able to try and save his life. For a long time she and I both struggled with the “envy” which I’m not sure is not the right word. It was more like a tearing out your heart kind of pain to see others having life so easy and never realizing there is another darker world that exists for so many who have lost children. We had to “hide” pregnant friends on Facebook because the pain was unbearable. It’s been a long walk, but the healing has come through writing, faith in our Lord, and reaching out to other mothers who are now walking the same path. She is now expecting her “rainbow baby” which is the baby you have after you’ve been through a terrible storm such as stillbirth etc….Thank you so much for sharing this devotional this morning and having this giveaway. You will touch so many people!! God Bless!!
I am 61 years old – considerably older than most of you who read Proverbs 31 but have dealt with a lot of the same issues you deal with – especially answer envy. Yes; I was infertile and never could conceive a child. But God was good and gave us two beautiful babies through adoption. And now I have grandchildren. God answered my prayer to conceive with a NO. I don’t really know why and at the time, I just knew I had missed out on one of God’s blessings and was devastated. But I adjusted over time until my children became teenagers. And were no longer the adorable, lovable children I had had since they were 5 weeks old. I was a mother BUT that is when they began to question their own identities. And let’s face it: teenagers have a difficult time being in that stage. BUT adopted children have additional “baggage” so it was a challenging time for me and I don’t think my husband and I were equipped to handle certain situations. But we survived.
But that is in the past BUT what always “looms” it’s head every year is MOTHER’S DAY. It is a day that makes me reflect upon my own infertility – 35+ years later – and takes me to a time and place where I did envy other women. Women that didn’t even want to be pregnant. It is also a day that I have pause to remember our children’s adoptive mother’s. They gave the ultimate sacrifice when they gave their children to us to raise and I can’t help thinking about them – on this day – and do they wonder about their babies? Do my own children wonder about their birth mothers? (No; they never talk about wanting to do their own search or any interest they might have…perhaps they are not interested? Or perhaps out of respect for me and their father they do not mention it? But we have always been “open” to talking to them about where they came from. And I have written them both a book about how we came to adopt them)
But Mother’s Day has always been a very sad day for me. Just too many “reminders.” Especially for us women who could NOT become pregnant. I wish I could tell you it “goes away with time,” and perhaps for some women, it does. But God gives you the desires of your heart and even when He says, “no,” you accept it. But Mother’s Day is just a very difficult day for me. And always will be. (I know other adoptive mothers that also feel as I do)
Course, now that my own mother has been gone 3 years, Mother’s Day has taken on a whole new meaning, as well. I miss her terribly.
My heart goes out to all of you women that suffer from answer envy. I KNOW God gave us these children because He knew what was best for them. Or for me. And I certainly do not question His will. And I do not ask, “Why me? Because whoever said, “Every day of life is homework for the future, ” was absolutely right. We never know in the present moment what strength or blessings we are perhaps accruing for experiences in the future. Nor do we know when our struggles may become sources of wisdom or comfort that we can give later to others who walk where we have walked. So, as I look back upon MY life, I do hope I have given encouragement to others who have struggled with answer envy. Or other difficult life circumstances that God has allowed me to go through.
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. And a big HUGE thank you to all these lovely ladies for open up about their own struggles. It’s comforting to know that there are other women who struggle with the same feelings I have. I’ve struggled with answer envy when it comes to babies for about 15 years now. I am so very very happy for those I love that have been blessed to have children or are currently pregnant. But at the same time I have that small tiny voice in my head saying “when is it going to be my turn?” I’ve felt the unimaginable loss of a miscarriage the one and only time I was pregnant. I’ve felt the pain when my much younger family members become pregnant without even trying. And I’ve had my heart crushed a little bit more each time someone says something like, “I’m sure it’ll happen soon for you” with pity in their eyes because they know how very much I want a child of my own. I know God has His reasons for making me wait, I know He’ll bless me when its His perfect timing, but its still hard. Oh! Let me not forget to mention the guilty feelings that come later when you condemn yourself for having answer envy. {insert BIG sigh} God bless you all and may He help us all through our struggles and help us find comfort with Him and each other.
Love the package! Got to meet Teske at our womens conf this year! She was so encouraging and helpful to think through some things.
Glad we got to meet recently, Mandi! :)
I have surely struggled with answer envy! I have had 3 miscarriages over the past 2 years and we are now struggling to get pregnant. Obviously I have been pregnant before, so I can but with the stress of it all I have struggled with becoming pregnant again:( these situations cause you to struggle often with doubt and lack of faith with this subject. I consider myself to be a string Christian woman, however this has been a very difficult thing to overcome.
Thank you for sharing your struggle with us, Ashley. My heart aches for you an I pray that you are able to experience moments of peace amidst the grief and trying again. We don’t always know what the future holds, but we can know and trust in the One who holds all things together…even if it feels as though life is falling apart. May your day be blessed in an unexpected way!
I do feel disheartened when a friend announces they’re going to adopt. It has been on my heart for 25 years, but not my husband’s.
This came at the PERFECT time!! I am going through a miscarriage right now. I am naturally passing it and it so rough emotionally and physically. I have this “answer envy” over many aspects of my life. I was close to divorce before finding out I was pregnant and now we have lost the baby. I have been wishing God would just sit down with me and tell me what to do next. Thank you for this devotional that came at just the right time.
Dana, you are in my prayers right now! Heavenly Father, wrap your arms around Dana as she endures this experience of miscarriage. We trust you to bring physical and emotional healing and I ask that you would give her peace that surpasses understanding, as this little one passes from her womb, and is ushered into a Your presence, if only by Your grace. Lord, bring restoration to her marriage too. We ask these things in the precious name of Jesus, Your Son given for us! We love you. Amen!
I am praying for you Dana. I am a little further down the road than you, having lost my baby to miscarriage in January. It is terribly difficult and it just plain stinks. I let it pass naturally too, and that is heartbreaking.
I am also praying for you Dana. I was in the same boat as Mary lossing my baby in January passing it naturally as well. You are a strong woman. Seek God’s comfort.
Karen, first, I am so thankful for the inspiration that the Holy Spirit gave you to write about this topic. I have been struggling with answer envy for the past few years. Most of my friends who were single or dating at the same time as I was, are all married now and have started families while I am still waiting on God to connect me with a man of my own. They have all gone on to have successful careers post college, and I just completed my BA and am trusting God for a teaching position. I felt for a long time that it would be harder for me to connect with a man because I am a single mom and all of my friends had their first child with their husbands. However, I know many single moms who have more than one child with different men who are happily engaged or newlyweds. For awhile I felt depressed and thought, ” why not me God? What is wrong with me?” I realized that that was the enemy poisoning my mind. The Holy Spirit told me to take advantage of this time as a single woman to allow him to build me up, strengthen my faith, and explore life. I had my son at age 15, and had since always been involved with a man in some way, As a newly single woman, I believe that God is allowing me the space to explore life, nurture the woman that I am, and be prepared for my husband when he comes!
We got pregnant a month into our marriage, and then lost the baby shortly after that. It seemed as though everyone else at church was walking around brandishing those big bellies but me.
We were able to conceive again later in the year, and the son we have now would not have been possible without the loss of our other one.
I still miss him, the thought of never holding him. But I’m grateful for the children I do have, and long for the day I’ll see him again.
I’m not sure I struggle, like others struggle, with answer envy. I truly believe deep down that all things will happen in God’s timing. I struggle with the fact that I was supposed to be a mommy in June 2013, but that didn’t happen…..
I found out on November 13, 2012 that I was pregnant! It was the MOST amazing thing that had ever happened to me :) I was supposed to have a tonsillectomy that morning, but they couldn’t do the surgery because I was pregnant. Now, I was having all of the signs of pregnancy-indigestion/extra gas, breast tenderness, tiredness-so on and so forth. I never expected pregnancy because my husband and I had been trying for 3 years to conceive, and that never happened. I thought all of those symptoms were because I was just stressed for my upcoming surgery. So fast forward a little bit…
I found a doctor very quickly and went in for a check up. By my menstrual dates I would have been somewhere between 8-12 weeks along. But when we did a preliminary ultra sound, there was nothing. No egg sac, no little tiny alien looking baby in my uterus. This fact was devastating. I felt pregnant! I had been doing EVERYTHING the right way since before I found out I was pregnant. I don’t smoke or drink, I try to eat healthy-except for the occasional sweet or two……
My doctor suggested I have a blood draw to check my levels-to make sure they’re still going up (pregnancy hormone levels) I prayed harder than I have EVER prayed before. Lord-please let everything be okay with this baby, please don’t let something be wrong, maybe I’m not as far along as we thought, please Lord, please!!!! I begged and pleaded…. My doctor called me to have me come back in to discuss the results. It was an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy. My heart sank-like it was going to fall right out of my chest-and I cried so hard! Needless to say, I had to have surgery the very following morning November 30. I was devastated. My husband was devastated. My parents and in-laws were devastated. I keep trying to be the positive one because I know that God’s will be done, in His time, not ours. But I’m still waiting, and praying, and trying to exude patience-which is very hard! Like I said though, I’m not sure I struggle with answer envy-at least not to an extreme level. What I struggle with the most is the fact that I want to call myself a Mom, and say I’m a Mommy to a baby in heaven, but do other’s see it that way????
Yes, you’re a mom. If someone doesn’t see you that way, then they are wrong. That you didn’t get to hold your baby doesn’t matter.
thank you for the encouraging devotional today. my husband and i have been married for 8 years, we would love to have children but so far that hasn’t been God’s plan for us. we went through infertility testing and tried a couple medications but we didn’t feel like God wanted us to take it further medically – into AI, IVF, etc. so we are waiting on God.
some days i’m fine with it. other days i just start crying and i can’t stop. i am mid thirties and sometimes i feel anxious that God isn’t paying attention to my clock winding down, and he’ll give me a child when i’m too old to have any energy… but how ridiculous does that sound once it’s verbalized… that God doesn’t know the best timing… yes, our fears and anxieties simply come back to a need to trust in God, that He knows what is best. so that is what i am trying to do – trust, and have hope.
i will check out your friend’s website and i am excited to see the name Mommies with Hope because the word God gave me to focus on this year is HOPE. :)
I totally understand how you feel and just want to encourage you through this process!
Praying for you Krista. My husband and I are in the same position. We have been married for seven years and I have been through five miscarriages. Two of them were early and two ended in surgeries. I continue to hope for God’s grace and guidance each day. I am thankful that this blog gives us a forum.
Karen & Teske, This is fantastic that you are opening up the communication on this for everyone. I just want to encourage all of the young ladies who are commenting because I know that I am older than all of you. I also had my periods of waiting in life, in meeting my husband, in having trouble getting pregnant and staying pregnant. We have many children that we won’t meet until we are in heaven and we did get to raise one son, who will be 23 in a few months. I also waited for the perfect job and then had it taken away and I still have periods of waiting. They never really end while we are on this earth and our heavenly Father wants to use each and every one of them to mold us and shape us to be more like His Son. Looking back from this vantage point I just want to encourage you that each and everyone of them is worth the pain, the time, the frustration, etc. They are hard but if you keep focused on Christ and you lean on Him and allow Him to work in you, you will come out the other side praising Him no matter if the answer to your prayer was yes or no. The plans we have in mind for ourselves are not always His plans so be willing to give your plans up for His, His are always better. God Bless all of you and I pray that the Lord will fill each of you with His peace, understanding and wisdom in your period of waiting.
Thanks for sharing some of your own journey with us, Jan! I think it’s helpful to see that thee are other women “on the other side” of some of these waiting periods, so to speak. It brings great hope! Blessings to you!
Thanks so much for the encouragement this morning! I have been looking for a job for over 5 years. I know what the envy is all about whenever everyone around me is getting jobs and better jobs. I have dealt with this in several major areas since being saved. Also, I had a miscarriage about 6 years ago. My child would be turning 6 this summer. Because of complications and my age (over 40), my husband didn’t want to try for any more children. I still miss that baby and have a problem even going into the baby department in a store. I guess it is made worse due to the fact that it was my last chance and it is so final, knowing that I don’t have that opportunity here on earth anymore.
I struggle with answer envy every day. I have always wanted a large family but it wasn’t God’s plan for my life. I have two beautiful children that I thank God for every day. But sometimes I get down when I think about all the other children I coud have had. I feel like God has placed foster parenting and possibly adoption on my heart and I am very nervous about His plans for this “unknown” direction. I feel like when I start down that dark road of self-pity over what could have been is when I need to get on my knees and be thankful for all the provision I have already been shown. But I’m not perfect and my fleshly desires can sneak up and consume me at times.
I have been overwhelmed with answer envy recently! Both of my best friends are married…and my very best friend’s relationship with her husband began 10 years ago, when we were both just 16! I know we have to wait sometimes…and I know God has a plan…I’ve served Him all my life. But what I don’t know is WHY He is making me wait when everyone else has gotten their answer? It feels like a punishment!
HI,
Answer envy is what I struggled with in the past 15 years especially with my career.I have wanted to teach at a college level, but I had to work instead in a corporate environment which I hated. In 2008, I was finally able to quite start subbing in a school and work towards teacher certification. In the interim, everyone else including my husband had been able to do what they are passionate about and my path to teaching has been slow and uncertain. I question is this something I’m supposed to do or should I do something else.? Frustrated and feel as though this area in my life has been unanswered..
Keep believing. God has a plan, but sometimes it takes a while before we see it. I wanted an elementary teaching job, but instead I got a middle school position. It’s been quite different, and challenging to say the least. I’ve been applying like crazy for elementary jobs this year, and I’ve had some interviews, but still no offers. My entire career path has been a struggle, but I know that it’s been for a reason. Sometimes God will tell us why we go through things, but other times he won’t. However, I believe that God always has a higher purpose. He said that His ways ate higher than our ways, and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. I hope that you feel encouraged today. Don’t give up! God hears your cry! He also know the desire of your heart.
Dear Karen,
Thank you for writing on this topic. I am struggling with answer envy-especially these last few weeks. I didn’t really struggle with this until about two years ago. My baby sister (six years younger) got married. I was her maid of honor. I had been waiting and praying for a spouse for years. It was very difficult to stand up there and not break down. I am so happy for my sister, but at the same time, I just couldn’t understand why it wasn’t happening to me. Fast forward to today. I am married. My husband and I will celebrate our first year anniversary this summer. But, I am struggling with answer envy again.My sister called me a couple of weeks ago saying she was pregnant. Being a mom is one of my deepest desires. Yet again, I have to wait. One of the hardest things about it is that I don’t know when I will be able to have kids. While my husband and I were engaged, I had to have surgery for endometriosis. It was very extensive. If I already had kids they would have done a complete hysterectomy. Thankfully, the surgeon could save most everything so I can have children one day, but I’ve had to be on medication that makes me go through menopause for the last six months. It takes a little while for everything to get back to normal and I’m just afraid for the future. Meanwhile, my sister (and my husband’s sister) are both pregnant and due the same month. Anyway, I have struggled with answer envy a lot lately-especially over Mother’s Day. So, your blog this morning was so encouraging. Thank you for sharing. It helps so much to know there are other women out there who are going through the same thing.
I am struggling with answer envy. I was married in 2007 and we have been trying for a child to no avail. I have cried so many times it feels like I am losing my mind. It seems as if everywhere I turn I see pregnant women or women with kids and I wish I could have that too. I grew up in a christian home and therefore I have received so much encouragement and hope from my family. I have felt like a failure so many times but I always come across some inspiring article like yours that keeps me in check. Thank you. To all the women who have been blessed with children be thankful, everyday.
I also struggle from answer envy all the time. I have been waiting for having babies a couple of years now. The truth is at first I thought it would be easier to have children, but know I realized that God has his time for everything. And I have to confess I think of those women who have an abortion and ask God, why?? I mean, one of those babies would be in better circumstances with a woman who wishes with all their heart become a mother. I get frustrated, angry and truly sad. This devotional helped me to understand that it is not about me, it is about God. So I´ll pray not for understanding, but for forgiveness, because I´ve been only thinking about how I feel for not having children and not enjoying the most beautiful gift we have in Christ. God has been telling me this, but I didn´t want to listen; so here I am surrendering to Him.
Thank you for sharing your story, God bless you all!
I have a three year old daughter but I have been struggling since my son was stillborn. We have been unable to conceive since his loss. I agree with the above poster. It is so hard to wait and try to understand. Answer envy is the perfect way to describe the feeling.
Loved your P31 blog today. We have 5 angels in heaven that we lost in 1st or 2nd trimester. We have one son on Earth (born 15w early) whose twin sister is one of our babies in heaven and whom we waited 3 years for.. We just lost our son in his 2nd trimester a month ago- perfectly healthy and no testing has provided answers for his loss- he was 100% healthy. And nothing they can find explains the repeat losses. We’re just praying A LOT and waiting for God’s plans for us and our family. It’s hard, but looking back on other times/things we were waiting in/on, He is so faithful and His plans are better than Ours and I need to remember that when Answer Envy creeps in.
Jenny, my heart aches for you! Thank you for sharing a bit of your story with us here and for your perspective. You are right, God is always faithful! Praying for you…that peace would surround you, even amidst the search for explanations.
Thanks Karen.. Watching and waiting ain’t easy at all but that’s been my slogan for 12 years. Looking in all directions for Mr Right, I make mistakes and get hurt all the time even when I think I did my best. So, am I not entitled to answer envy.? Oh yes I am. I look around good gals, bad gals that I think am better than all tied the knots. oh NO, i do not envy anyone but i ask why not me? Sometimes I say “in His time he makes all things beautiful” but then I ask, when will this time be. Reading the piece this morning gives me a new view to it and I hope that God shows me the unsearchable things in my life.
Good day
I have been struggling with envy. We have been trying for our child seven years ago and to no avail. sometimes i just wonder when it will be my turn but i keep trusting God. Thanks for the encouraging devotional.
Good morning Karen! Seems that you have a name or phrase that embodies what we all have felt or feel. I have experienced answers from God often after a very long wait but His answers and His timing are always perfect. You reminded me today of Romans 12:12…”Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.” Answer envy can get the best of us if we do not remember that we are all children of God and that His plans for us are for us only. He loves us more than we will ever understand. I will also say a prayer today for all the women who are praying for His blessing of children that they be comforted in their suffering, confident in hope, patient in their troubles and persevere in prayer. God bless!
Hello! Thank you for your insight on waiting for God’s perfect timing and trusting in Him no matter what. I actually just wrote a blog post couple days ago on the very same topic. I would love for you to read it. It’s http://www.metamorphosiscenter.net. Thank you for spreading God’s truth! May His blessings pour out on you and overwhelm you with His goodness.
Hi Erica! I read your blog post and it was as if you were speaking the words in my heart! Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my favorite scriptures. It always fills me with joy…when my prayers are answered and I am confident in the path in which He leads me and also when His answer takes me along a path I wasn’t planning on. I have learned that His ways are not always my ways and to trust that His plans for me are not always aligned with mine. Therefore I trust in Him to lead me! Thanks for sharing your link! I will enjoy sharing in your posts!
I struggle from answer envy ALL the time. I have been waiting for my knight in shining armour for 11 years. Im not always actively looking and go hears without dating. It gets hard sometimes waiting for Gods answer. I AM content but I am looking for the icing on the cake.
I’m here with you! My best friend and I are the same age and she starting dating her now-husband when she was 16 and got married at 18…that was 10 years ago! My other best friend got out of a 4 year relationship at 18 years old, started dating another guy, and 4 years later is now married to him. And here I am, still single. You mentioned actively looking…am I SUPPOSED to be actively looking? Or waiting? I don’t know!
Nicole & Susan,
I feel for you both. I was in the same situation with all my friends and one of my sisters all married right out of HS or College and I was still single. I fell in love with my husband when i was 29 and i was pretty much at a point in my life where i had given up on finding a man to love and be loved by. So don’t give up!!!
Karen,
I think God is REALLY trying to grow me… after waiting years to find my loving hubby, we are now dealing with infertility issues. The ‘answer envy’ fills my mind often, but i’m getting better at pushing those thoughts away… although i still have days full of self-pity and heartache. Today we await the results of his final sample analysis. I know in my mind that the results will be the same (no swimmers), but when the news comes i still break down and weep. Maybe since i’ve been slowly growing a peace with God on this, i won’t get so emotional. I just might surprise myself. :)